This blog was posted on the Postpartum Support International website. Click here for the article.
After I gave birth to a stillborn son, my mind obsessed around the idea that I killed him.
No matter what the doctors told me, I was ashamed that my body could not keep him alive.
No matter how much my husband told me he loved me, I thought I was disgusting and didn't believe him.
I hated that my body was capable of murder and I thought I could do it again.
It was when my mind justified killing my husband that I went for help. I didn't want to hurt him, too.
I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and the diagnosis made me feel pathetic...now I was crazy.
It took years to learn to love myself again.
Now, I realize the time my mind took to heal was sacred.
I wish I could tell anyone suffering from PTSD to be patient and gentle with yourself. Sit with whatever your mind throws at you and breathe it in. The thought is your mind's reaction to great sadness and pain just like a toddler's angry temper tantrum. Embrace the thought as if it is an angry child, and then let it go on its way. I controlled the thoughts by holding them for a minute, and then letting them go. . . day after day after day.
It took a long time, but be hopeful and ask for help. You will love yourself again.